Sunday, December 22, 2013

XVII

 A few weeks ago, my boyfriend's best friend, Patrick, was asking questions about Theo and wondering if he was helping out with my son's hospital bills or even involved in my life at all. That question marked the first time I had had to talk about Theo in months. This week has been particularly tough because I've been forced to face a lot of things that happened last year, including painful memories I experienced.

The thing about sexual predators like Theo is that they will hit you at your most vulnerable, and I was at mine when he contacted me. I have spent hours out of every day wishing for the life I had before I left, not knowing what I was getting myself into. My situation is particularly tough to explain because my action of dating Theo seems to disqualify the thought in people's minds that I was raped. I'm writing this blog for the express reason of telling people differently. It amazes me how thick people are: just because there was a thin semblance of a relationship between Theo and I doesn't mean that I automatically consented to sex. This, however, was the side the cops took when I finally became courageous enough to call. I may have already written about this in previous posts, but it makes me so upset I'm willing to speak out again. The officer I spoke to was in disbelief that it had taken the time it did for me to call: weeks, two months, I can't remember the exact date, but I remember it was before August of last year. Of course there was nothing they could do, even if the officer had even pretended to believe my story, citing the reason he didn't was that several girls call in frequently crying rape against an ex-boyfriend. The frustration of having no support from the very institution designed to protect people like me was beyond aggravating. I did the best I could and tried to move on instead of dwelling on things and putting myself in a negative state of mind. Those who have been victimized will realize how hard this is to do.

I am so grateful for all the support I've had from my family, friends and anonymous readers. I'm difficult at times but I am so thankful for your willingness to stay by my side. This is just one of few weeks where I'm having a particularly hard time coping and finding strength to go on living life. I know that I have to remember that inside I am stronger than him and just that thought alone gives me ten times the power he had over me last year. I guess the main point of this post is that it doesn't matter whether or not you know the person or have consented to sex twenty times or not at all. If you say "no", either verbally or by your actions, no one has any right to force themselves on you and if they do, remember that it's never your fault. You weren't "asking for it" by the way you acted or the way you dress. The way you personally express yourself through clothes or makeup or anything doesn't warrant another person to attack you and then use your style as a justification.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

XVI

So I realize I left you all hanging with my last post. I was in a really dark place at the time I wrote it, and honestly pouring out my feelings into this blog has been quite therapeutic. I'm feeling like I've recovered almost completely from that bout of depression I had, at least temporarily. As far as I have come in my journey to heal myself, I will always have that part of me that is broken. It's hard to try and accept that, but the sooner I do, the sooner the regret will vanish. This is a rather short entry in comparison to my other entries, so I apologize in advance. I leave you with hope and the strength to carry on through whatever trials I may face in the future.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

XV

The last few weeks have been hard for me emotionally. I haven't felt completely myself for quite some time...where strength and hope was, now I feel a sort of brokenness, as if I'm regressing. I know its completely normal to have these feelings, but I wish I wouldn't. I'm human, I know its not realistic to expect that I would be exempt from emotions like these. I've never regretted leaving Theo. Its been heaven without his suffocating presence. Yet I still have the residual insecurity that he left me as a sick, twisted curse. No one said it would be easy to recover from what he did to me, but I wish it would be easier to distance myself from the woman I became for those short few months. I feel like I need to do it quick, though...for fear of pushing away the only good man I've dated in my entire life. I know he can only take so much of my fragile state of mind before deciding to call it quits. I have been stressed, depressed, and every sort of negative emotion in between, wondering if anyone else has felt so torn and broken. I turn to writing this blog to heal myself, that in some way my honest catharsis may help others. I don't want to be alone because I've spoken too much about my ordeal. The truth is I may never fully recover--just like scars never fully heal. And although tonight may not be the night I find closure, maybe with these words I am one step closer.

Monday, January 21, 2013

XIV

I'm finally starting to realize the extent of the damage and abuse to which Theo subjected me. A month after I returned home I fell in love with one of my friends from school: Tanner Harris. It was accidental, as I had come back fully aware that no one would want to date someone like me. I felt ruined. I realized through him that the only people that would see me that way weren't really worth my attention anyway. It was sort of a rebirth; I began to feel whole again, which was huge for me.

Tanner and I have been almost inseparable since we started dating, but in the midst of one of our rare disagreements, he called to my attention something I haven't even noticed, something maybe I've grown accustomed to: a fear of "breaking the rules", so to speak. Theo was a control freak. Being with him impeded my communication skills to an extent: i.e., not saying what I need to in fear it'd upset the other person. I lost a part of who I was: once upon a time I was not afraid to break the rules and live a little bit. I found it amazing that after all this time my mentality had still not changed. I was still a follower, afraid of what would happen if I rebelled. I made it a challenge to break free of that mold.

Tanner had only known me briefly before I left suddenly for Washington. I'd let him know my plans, but at the time, we were only classmates and barely friends. Occasionally he would give me rides home. He was not the type of person to try to talk me out of going; I know now that he could see I'd made up my mind. When I came back, I was a totally different person. I felt much older than my age of 19 years; I had been worn out and beaten down. Being with Tanner allowed some of my old personality to shine through, but after he brought his concerns to my attention, I knew I would make it my goal to show him what I was like before March of 2012.


Almost a year after I met Theo, the damage still lingers, and so does my hate. I want people to know that I am not perfect, that writing this blog hasn't magically solved everything. I am stronger, but I am still human. I'm starting to embrace who I was before the trauma. Not a day passes when I don't have some reminder of those two fateful months in Washington. Even looking in the mirror at my short hair reminds me of how Theo used to chastise me for it, demanding I grow it out so I wouldn't be mistaken as a lesbian.


I've come to realize that the greatest revenge I can inflict on Theo is to be who I was before he came along; to forget him. It's a task easier said than done when many days my mind rests on wishing he were dead or suffering somewhere. If I dwell too much on him, he will once again consume me. It is better for me not to focus on the negativity and suffering I endured, but to look ahead. I am surrounded by a loving family, a compassionate boyfriend and plenty of friends. Looking at it from this angle enables me to see my situation in a more positive light, and I think I owe it to everyone to bring back the girl they knew before Theo and move on with my life.

I want everyone who reads this to learn from what I did and avoid going through a similar situation. I know how hard it is to even ask for help when you're in the midst of an abusive situation like I was, and I know there are situations much worse than mine. Know you are not alone if you've suffered similar or worse abuse: know you have the strength inside to break free, because you deserve so much better.