Sunday, December 22, 2013

XVII

 A few weeks ago, my boyfriend's best friend, Patrick, was asking questions about Theo and wondering if he was helping out with my son's hospital bills or even involved in my life at all. That question marked the first time I had had to talk about Theo in months. This week has been particularly tough because I've been forced to face a lot of things that happened last year, including painful memories I experienced.

The thing about sexual predators like Theo is that they will hit you at your most vulnerable, and I was at mine when he contacted me. I have spent hours out of every day wishing for the life I had before I left, not knowing what I was getting myself into. My situation is particularly tough to explain because my action of dating Theo seems to disqualify the thought in people's minds that I was raped. I'm writing this blog for the express reason of telling people differently. It amazes me how thick people are: just because there was a thin semblance of a relationship between Theo and I doesn't mean that I automatically consented to sex. This, however, was the side the cops took when I finally became courageous enough to call. I may have already written about this in previous posts, but it makes me so upset I'm willing to speak out again. The officer I spoke to was in disbelief that it had taken the time it did for me to call: weeks, two months, I can't remember the exact date, but I remember it was before August of last year. Of course there was nothing they could do, even if the officer had even pretended to believe my story, citing the reason he didn't was that several girls call in frequently crying rape against an ex-boyfriend. The frustration of having no support from the very institution designed to protect people like me was beyond aggravating. I did the best I could and tried to move on instead of dwelling on things and putting myself in a negative state of mind. Those who have been victimized will realize how hard this is to do.

I am so grateful for all the support I've had from my family, friends and anonymous readers. I'm difficult at times but I am so thankful for your willingness to stay by my side. This is just one of few weeks where I'm having a particularly hard time coping and finding strength to go on living life. I know that I have to remember that inside I am stronger than him and just that thought alone gives me ten times the power he had over me last year. I guess the main point of this post is that it doesn't matter whether or not you know the person or have consented to sex twenty times or not at all. If you say "no", either verbally or by your actions, no one has any right to force themselves on you and if they do, remember that it's never your fault. You weren't "asking for it" by the way you acted or the way you dress. The way you personally express yourself through clothes or makeup or anything doesn't warrant another person to attack you and then use your style as a justification.